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August 6, 2005
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Lighter

Open, broken sunflower seeds
scatter over the unspoken,
and that fiery stare in your eyes
says more than the last three months.

The faint stench of burnt memories
lingers in the dense space
as I glare at the cigarette ashes
resting peacefully on the coffee table.

And the void becomes thicker with
every singed corner of our lives,
while pile upon pile of forgotten news
rewrites in the back room.

The radio whispers the uncertainty
within the dimly lit flickers,
hoping our stubbornness will
fall gently into the ash tray

I canít help but wonder with each polluting
puff that escapes from your blackened lungs,
whatever happened to the
little girl with the ember lit eyes.
another one i wrote
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:iconcelestial-seraphiman:
Celestial-SeraphiMan Featured By Owner Nov 26, 2005   Writer
Not bad! Not bad at all!
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:iconthelostnarrator:
TheLostNarrator Featured By Owner Nov 26, 2005  Hobbyist Photographer
thanks :D :hug:
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:iconmp0:
mp0 Featured By Owner Oct 27, 2005
I really liked this one. awesome job
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:iconthelostnarrator:
TheLostNarrator Featured By Owner Oct 27, 2005  Hobbyist Photographer
thank you so much :hug:
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:iconlilithlairpoetry:
LilithLairPoetry Featured By Owner Sep 28, 2005
Using the word "And" as a starter for a line, disrupts the flow. It's like a chore to recite that word. It's alright to use in mid-sentence but not as a starting word. Doing so, you'll also will have to rewrite the third line of the first stanza to fit the new change...

Open, broken sunflower seeds
Scatter over the unspoken
Hindered look in your eyes
Says more than the last three months.


And the void becomes thicker with
Every singed corner of our lives
While piles upon piles of forgotten news
Replays in the back room

Here you started the stanza out with AND. All the other stanzas don't start like that, and it's really breaks the consistency you had going for you.

The void becomes thicker with
Every singed corner of our lives,
While a pile of forgotten news
Replays in the back room

You also used an extra word on the third line that doesn't quite fit the overall flow. Piles is enough said like the example above.

Keep up the good work, and I hope this critique will help you in the future!!
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:iconthelostnarrator:
TheLostNarrator Featured By Owner Sep 28, 2005  Hobbyist Photographer
thank you so much for the critques :D :hug:
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:iconlilithlairpoetry:
LilithLairPoetry Featured By Owner Sep 30, 2005
Your welcome!!
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:iconmoonlitwindypath:
moonlitwindypath Featured By Owner Sep 3, 2005
Nice job. :) I'd too paste my favourite stanza but I like them all. It flows nearly perfectly as a story and rythymically, to think it was spur of the moment. :) It comes across very powerfully too. THanks for sharing. ~tori
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:iconthelostnarrator:
TheLostNarrator Featured By Owner Sep 3, 2005  Hobbyist Photographer
thank you :D
Reply
:iconemilystrange21:
EmilyStrange21 Featured By Owner Aug 25, 2005
You have an interesting way of explaining things. Your descriptive vocabulary is flawless. I wish I could paste my favourite stanza onto this comment, but I really like all of them. I think if you cut your stanzas differently and expiremented a bit, you would find something that puts the reader more comfortably in your seat. I just feel that the typical stanza structure doesn't fit the unique sense of detail you use. Another thing that I noticed was that you have no punctuation. For most people, punctuation goes a long way. You can end up effecting the reader more just by the way you end a phrase/sentence. Other than that, you poetry really stretches my mind. You make me think, and I appreciate the exercise! :)
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